No One Has It All – We All Make Choices

The Internet this past week has been full of discussion about an article by Anne-Marie Slaughter in the Atlantic, titled “Why Women Still Can’t Have It All?”  Ms. Slaughter writes about the difficulties she experienced in holding a high-level policy position in the State Department, and why she ultimately returned to her role as a dean at Princeton University in large part because she needed to spend more time with her family.

She argues in the piece that women cannot “have it all” in today’s society, for a number of reasons. She says that we tell ourselves half-truths about “having it all,” such as believing we can “have it all” if we are committed enough, or if we marry the right person, or if we sequence our lives right.

But in fact, we cannot have it all.

And here I state my own beliefs, based on having lived most of my professional and family life:

          No one has it all.
          Everyone makes compromises.

I posted in March about women “opting out.” The truth is, we all opt out of some things and opt into other things.

I worked for more than 25 years in demanding positions in corporate America. You would recognize the name of my employer if I named the firm. I worked 60 hours/week, and managed to stay married and raise two children. I had many of the advantages that Ms. Slaughter had, but not all. I probably had other advantages she did not have.

And through it all, I made choices.

• I chose not to take job opportunities that could have separated my family and would have required a long-distance marriage and parenting.

• I chose not to have more than two children.

• I chose to leave work in time to be home for dinner most nights, and chose to quit working at home at  bedtime, rather than pulling all-nighters (though I had many sleepless nights from stress).

• I chose to live in the Midwest, instead of on the East or West Coast, where life seems more frantic.

Along the way, my husband made his choices as well. Some of his choices enabled my career, and some made it more difficult. And my choices had positive and negative impacts on his career and other activities.

Could I have done more at work? Yes. I held several senior positions in my company, but I could have risen higher and had more authority. Some of why I didn’t rise further was probably due to my choices, and some was probably due to how others perceived me, correctly or incorrectly.

But I had a very good career, and I left on my own terms. And I raised two children who are now successful young adults. I look back on these accomplishments with satisfaction, no matter that I could have had more.

I didn’t have it all, but I had most of what I wanted. And I was responsible for my choices.

I hope that my children – son and daughter alike – have more choices than I had. I hope they worry less about the choices they make. But the odds are, their lives will have some of the same difficulties as well as new ones that develop in the 21st century.

Life doesn't permit any of us to "have it all." It's not meant to be easy. Nor even fair.

Make Your Work/Life Balance a Conscious Choice

Some family events this past weekend caused me to reflect again on work/life choices -- this time on the choices of three generations in my family.

Like most in their generation, my parents had a traditional marriage, in which the husband worked for pay and the wife worked at home. My father was a workaholic, leaving for the office before dawn each day. He was usually home for dinner, but worked a lot on evenings and weekends, and traveled frequently for his job. My mother took care of house and kids, by herself when she had to.

My husband’s parents had a situation like my parents, except they lived in a smaller town and my father-in-law could come home for lunch each day. But the realms of husband’s and wife’s responsibilities were as separate as in my family.

Like many in our generation, my husband and I struggled to find a path where we both worked and both cared for the household.  We had professional jobs in the same field, and each stayed with our firms for an entire career.

We divided childcare and home responsibilities in ways that made sense to us. We argued over who worked more, or didn’t do their share of chores. We scrambled to find time for everything, and often our time together was the first thing to go. But somehow managed to stay married till our children were grown and life returned to some semblance of sanity.

Our young adult children are now launched in their careers. I see each of them working long hours.  They have jobs they like, but they aren’t wedded to them. Each talks about moving on in a few years; whether they will or not, remains to be seen. And neither as yet has a spouse or children, nor prospects of changing marital status soon.

Three generations, three models, three sets of choices. The models don’t separate by generations – people in each generation have chosen each model. There is no right way to manage work and life.  After more than thirty years of trying to balance work and life, I don’t even think of it as work and life anymore; it’s simply life.

What I encourage my children to do – and what I encouraged younger employees that I mentored to do – is to make their choices consciously, and to re-think those choices regularly.

And so I encourage you, too, to make conscious choices.  Whatever you choose, make it a life that suits your values and leaves room for the discretionary things in life that are important to you.

A few months ago, Dr. Donald E. Wetmore published a post on AMA Net that listed seven things NOT to ignore in your work life balance: 

• your health

• your family time

• your financial health

• your intellectual development

• your social contacts

• your career path

• your spirituality

That’s a pretty good list, and fits well with the areas mentioned in the book Standing at the Crossroads: Next Steps for High-Achieving Women, by Marian N. Ruderman and Patricia J. Ohlott, which I have found helpful for self-assessment.

Where in your life do you need more balance?

What Do You Want Out of Life (and Work)?

In March, I wrote a post on Getting Things Done When You Are Not in Charge, by Geoffrey M. Bellman.  I want to return to Bellman’s message today, as we head into the summer months.

In many organizations, work slows just a little through the summer as employees take vacations. My favorite time of year when I worked in a corporate setting was when my boss was on vacation.  I could catch up on existing projects before I got hit with new ones.

1.  Explore Your Life Goals: This summer, I encourage each of you to think about what you want out of your life. You will need some time for reflection. So as you

           walk the beach,
           or hit some golf balls,
           or hike the mountain,
           or simply try to keep the kids from killing each other,

           pause. 

And ask yourself: What do I want out of life?

Write down your answer. It can be as long or as short as you want, but you’ll probably be able to fit it on one sheet of paper.  Come back to this paper at least three times during the next few weeks.  Add to it, edit it, make it yours.

2.  Explore Your Work Goals:  And then, ask yourself: What do I want out of work?

For most of us, work is a huge part of our lives.  If your work goals do not align with your life goals, you will be unhappy, both with work and with your life.  Where do you see disconnects between your life goals and work goals? What do you want more of? Less of?

Only you know what you want, out of life and out of work.  There is no right answer or wrong answer.  There is simply what you want.

Once you know what you want, you can seek to get it.  But first you have to be able to articulate what you want.

You are responsible for aligning your life and your work with your life goals. Now, take charge of yourself.

3.  Explore Your Staff Members' Goals:  Chapter 4 of Bellman’s book outlines how you can ask your staff to explore their wants at work also.  Once you are comfortable with your own wants and goals, you might follow Bellman’s example.

Leading change requires that you know where all your constituents are coming from. Work with your staff to see how you can get your work done while satisfying everyone’s wants.

I'd love to know what you learn from this exercise. Please leave a comment.